A rogue Oakland Raider, a murder rap, and a writing lesson

writing, business writing, lead, leads

A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of engaging the human senses when writing (Writers, come to your senses). This week I’m going to build on that point by using more examples of effective use of imagery in business writing.

Inveterate Oakland Raiders fans might remember an offensive lineman named Barret Robbins who suffered from bipolar disorder. He was leader of the Raiders’ offensive line that went to Super Bowl XXXVII, but was kicked off the team after his bipolar disorder flared and he went missing for most of the week before the Super Bowl.

Shortly thereafter, Robbins was shot three times on Jan. 15, 2005 during a brawl with members of the Miami Police Department, and was charged with attempted murder. Writing about the aftermath of that harrowing incident, a USA Today reporter wrote the following lead.

Barret Robbins may be lonely, but his is not alone in his hospital room. At his bedside lurks the two-headed monster of manic depression.

Heavily sedated, stricken with pneumonia and breathing with the help of a ventilator, the massive former pro football player struggles for every breath and, silently, his sanity.

In addition to supplying vivid imagery, this piece of writing also gives a jolt of death-defying anxiety. The only thing worse than fighting for one’s life in a hospital bed is to also be locked in a silent battle to retain one’s sanity. (Fortunately, Robbins lived and regained his sanity.)

You might be thinking, that’s great Mike but it’s not exactly business writing. Point taken. So let’s take the lessons and structure of the USA Today lead and recast it as the opening lines to a hardcore business report, like so.

Conoco might be falling on leaner financial times, but we are not alone. The entire oil industry is suffering from the two-headed monster of renewable energy technologies and more aggressive federal regulations.

Badly unprepared for the conversion to green energy, stricken by rising fossil fuel prices and sitting in the crosshairs of a new carbon cap-and-trade system, Conoco is fighting to stave off dwindling profits and, perhaps, financial losses.

Notice how emulating the structure and drama of the USA Today lead created a start to this fictional report that’s probably more exciting than most any business report we’ve ever read.

Admittedly, the business version is not nearly as emotional or arresting as the Barret Robbins tale. That’s true, in part, because this rendition is company-focused rather than person-focused.

That’s a lesson for us. It’s always more effective to write with a people focus rather than a company focus. Readers are people, and people always relate to people (or other living things) more readily than inanimate companies and institutions.

In the final analysis, though, this fictional account of Conoco’s business situation is quite dramatic by business standards and an example we can learn from. Write with this kind of directness, insight and vivacity and you’re sure to glow in the company’s executive suite.

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